A Little Talking To Myself...

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

So let's just get this one over with.

Aden and Josh are settled on a bus to Virginia for their first overnight field trip and I am sitting at home with a lump in my throat and watery eyes. As I start this it's also 6:30 am and I have already been up almost two hours... This is not a great combo, just in case you were wondering.

Me, crying, shocker. I know. So predictable I am. 



But I am not just sad or fearful. I am also sitting here battling the guilt of not being there and of feeling like I have somehow failed because other kids have their parents there and they don't. ( Yes their Dads think I am dramatic and ridiculous...whatever.. That's why you aren't a mamma and I am, let me be.)

It would be different if they hadn't said a thousand and twelve times in the past week that they wanted me to be there, Josh with his dropped chin and pouty lips and Aden with those ginormous eyes. Ugh, daggers I tell you. I want to be there, sort of.... with them, minus all the other kids I'd have to hear squealing all week, and the bus ride and the potty smell and the keeping up with everyone. I don't do large groups of small people well. Not my gift, not my circus, not my monkey's..  Elementary School teachers are seriously right up there with Jesus to me. Just keeping it real and before you parents freak out when you see my name on the next field trip form, I will love your small, loud little people and guard them with every fiber of my fierce Mamma being, I will just be really welcoming of my quiet place when all is said and done and they are back in your arms again, giggles and squealing included.

I also know that the guilt is not Godly and that it has no merit here. I can't do it all, be it all and pay for it all. And even if I could, I shouldn't. Hear that Mamma's and Daddy's we SHOULDN'T!! You me, us, we need to let go and let God. Hear me here...

I need room to see God protect them, to grow them, to bless them. I need to see the training in effect. I need to give my self room to see where we get it right and where we are totally missing the mark. And it would be way easier to not. It would be way easier to helicopter them and make every choice for them, to make sure their teeth were brushed, their puberty hitting armpits were slathered with deodorant that will protect the entire city of Williamsburg from the funkiness of said boys armpits. It would be easier for me to just do it myself. Now you can sit and think of me and the neurotic Mamma or you can admit to yourself that you can relate A LOT.

Most importantly, I know they need to have room to grow without me and their Dad(s). They need to practice being independent and self reliant. They need to see the world through their own eyes and speak up in their words. They need to fumble and stumble and do dumb things. They need to be awkward 4th grade boys. They need to figure this world out for themselves. They need to wear dirty socks and underwear if that's what floats their boat (ugh, the thought) and most importantly they need opportunity to reach out for God without Mamma Or Daddy getting in the way. I also need to be forced to remember that them doing any or all of those things above does not make me more or less of a successful person. My children have been taught to wear clean underwear, if they don't, I am not a bad mom, they are ridiculous and smelly children. End of story.

I need to see the world through their eyes too, like a child Jesus said... But I can't see it through their eyes or hear it through their words if they never have the opportunity to just be.

And it's easier to reach for the seen than the unseen, for Mamma's opinion, advice, Daddy's rescue. But we need to create safe spaces for them to need something bigger than spoon fed instant gratification or even just the advice of Mom and Dad. They need to gain the confidence that they are capable!!! They need to learn to make good decisions and spending choices and if they blow it they are not going to starve or be left stranded. Better to learn now than when Mamma and Daddy aren't around for real.

We need to let them be. Let them be in spaces where we aren't there and where they have to reach for WHO we have taught them is ALWAYS there. I said yesterday if it's not lived it's not learned and if it's not learned it's not applied and if it's not applied it never changes. We (me, I) need to let them live it. There's a season to train and a season to set them free. Today was one of those days when the winds of change blew right in and set forth a freshness, an opportunity to SEE how all that hard work has come to bear fruit. Nine years flew by so fast, but this season is so amazing. I don't want to get stuck in the season that is over and miss completely the awesomeness that God wants me in for the now. Seeing these boys grow up and become who they are is by far one of the most fun things I have ever done. Watching them gravitate to different things and begin to question things is priceless to me. I love the talks we have at random awkward moments.

It's not easy, buy it's okay and I know that those two have had lots of training and teaching. I know their hearts and am I so thankful that I get to be Mamma. I get to be the hand they reach for and the neck they throw arms around. I get to be the one they WANT to be with.  I get to hug and kiss, and say prayers and have special little sayings and code words and bedtime routines. I get to be a voice to empower them to reach for the unseen and see the unseen in people and places and ultimately live for the eternal unseen. What a privilege to send them out to finally do it!

So while I may still walk around with an empty spot in my chest until Friday night when I get to wrap my arms back around those boys, and while I may have written them both cheesy notes and stuffed them in luggage and while I also may have slipped deodorant in their snack bags, you know just so the gobs of chocolate serves a reminder, I am choosing to be joyful and excited for them. I am choosing to see that I am doing a hard but absolutely necessary thing in letting them be away, in not being there this time, in letting them have space to see the world in a new way. And I am telling the devil where he can take his flippin' guilt trip. Just sayin...

I pray they choose well, but if they don't they will have learned from it and it will be okay, because even when it's not, it really kind of is. That unseen, that place that we've directed them to for 9 years, the place that they know and are sure of. That makes it all okay, because whether or not they wear clean underwear or have sweaty pits doesn't really matter at all to Jesus. What matters is their heart. And I am pretty darn sure that they have two of the most precious hearts on the planet.

Not that I am a biased Mamma or anything...

So here's to letting go and letting God show me yet again just how much He loves me and just where I need to trust him.

Happy Wednesday ya'll, get out and enjoy this sunshine!! 




And if you are with my boys and are reading this wrap your arms around them and plant a big kiss on their faces.. embarrass them to death please, because I'm not letting that go yet. That is still way to much fun! :) 

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