On Letting Go...

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

I've been up since 4 am, thank you jetlag, and trying to process my emotions as I upload pbotos from my trip to Africa. Daunting task, and one I  know takes time, lots of time and lots of grace. 

was making room on my hard drive and came accross some photos of my friends .










I started thinking of each of them and what they mean to me. I got really teary eyed as I recalled so many threads that have woven our blanket of relationship so tight, death, heartbreak, insecurities, laughter, risk... Those things take vulnerability, they take moving into deep waters and not bailing when te seas of life get rough. My friends mean the world to me and I would have given anything for them to experience Africa with me. My soul finds rest knowing they are here at home within arms reach and I shake my head and wonder how in the world I got so lucky as their texts to welcome me home rolled in yesterday as soon as I was able to turn wifi on from the airport. All week they have prayed and messaged and been a constant. 

Their encouragement and anticipation pushes me forward. Knowing they are waiting to know Africa through my eyes keeps me focused on my purpose to give a voice and a platform to my new friends, my new tribe, my new sisters and brothers. 

And as photos begin to load, tear drops cover my shirt and my keyboard as I remember the new friendships I have made from the same experiences in Africa, death, heartbreak, insecurities, laughter, risk... 












My heart physically hurts thinking of the friends I made who are now scattered accross three countries, thousands of miles out of my arms reach. I weep in the letting go of Africa and her gifts to me. My heart was opened up to so much love from so many women this past week and in such a short time I had to pull away, to let it go. I know, I know, those friendships and bonds don't disappear, they couldn't, Africa wove deep threads between is that no one could ever replace or sever, but they are out of arms reach. 

They are now going to jobs and running errands and moving on with life all around this world and I selfishly want them back.

I want to sit with them again on porches overlooking the night lights of Kigali. 

I want to be jammed in a van with all of them singing words prompted by the Spirit. 

I want to hear them pray and laugh and shop!!! 

I want to hear their laughter from the guesthouse porch and Lord what I would do to see their red clay stained feet next to mine. 

I want to be back at the co-op with Mary Sunshine's arms wrapped forever around me if I was in eyesight of her. She loves so well. 

To be back in Anastasia's home with Laura and Janelle roasting peanuts and learning to be stretched.

I want to hear Yvonne say Amanda just one more time with that giant smile of hers that swallows up any sadness that could ever be. 

I am torn. I see in these photos pieces of my heart living among so many people I treasure. I long to wrap my arms around what's familiar and comfortable, the friends here on my inner circle that are my rock, my everything, my inspiration, my sisters. And yet at the same time I want to be back with the precious, priceless new friends God gave me in Africa and through Noonday and Africa New Life and Sole Hope. 

The time was too short. God gave me such deep connections and not enough time it feels like to enjoy them. But I know it's just the birthing process. There is a lifetime to be lived together. I know His time is perfect. I know He gives and takes away. I know there is a season for it all but y'all, I just really stink at letting go. 

More than all of that though, know God loves me. I know He hurts when I do. I know He cares about my broken heartbecause  He speaks to me in the most beautiful ways.

I opened my email to look up my scripture for today's quiet time and this is what was in my inbox... 

From Christine Caine:

Someone once said, “Show me your friends, and I’ll show you your future.”

It’s true; we will travel the same path as our friends, so we must choose wisely. Right relationships are the key, not only to success but to actually staying on track with our God-given destinies. The relationships that we nurture either detract us from our calling or launch us toward His plan for our lives.

God has created us for relationship, and friends are His gift to us. Let’s ensure that the relationships we are building are taking us toward our destiny and not away from it.

Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm. (Proverbs 13:20, ESV)


In my brokenness this morning, this is the balm to my aching heart.

My future.

 My friends are absolutly what keep me on track to my destiny! They are my launching pad, my sounding board and my reason for being able to be confident in who God has called me to be. 

So as I run to my people here this week and grieve the seperstion of my new family I will find great joy in knowing that God has blessed me abundantly with wise women who make me better just by loving me well and Giving God Their Yes. And I know that because of His plans to tie my heart strings with so many women around the world, HE recieves glory as we overflow from the love given to eachother because of HIS meticulous and precious connections. 

God is good y'all....

In joy, in weeping, in the unexpected, in the bringing in and letting go. He is so good and worthy to be praised. So today I am going to choose to be thankful for the opportunity to have pieces of me in so many places, to have pieces of so many now walking this road alongside me, for my sweet Jesus, my new wisdom and for making my circle bigger and stronger than it ever has been before. 

So this one is for my friends, my sisters and brothers, my family under our Heavenly Father. May God pour out favor and blessing and wisdom and encouragement and a fierce passion over you all and may we all continue to love eachother well from near or far until we dance on the other side of heaven for eternity! The best is yet to come! 

Love you so much! 

Amanda 


4 comments:

  1. Beautifully written my friend! You are beautiful inside and out! Love your heart! I was up early with you this morning, darn jet lag! Praying for you and all of our sisters! Thanking God for His Spirit that sustains us! Thankful for the support system he us in dear friends.

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  2. Love seeing all this through your eyes. Can't wait to see what God has in store for all of us!

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  3. Amazing and beautiful as always. Your vulnerability exposes a transparency that resonates with so many people all over the world, so keep doing your thing! Love you!

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